Is the juice worth the squeeze.|
(Corniest line ever or just what i need?)
the pain never goes away. realize that now and accept it. it will always be there. im not talking about all pain, im talking about the pain you know the first second you feel it lasts forever. they tell you it goes away, but it doesnt. you just dont think about it, you block out all things that could possibly trigger the pain. you live in denial. denial of your feelings. denial of your problems. denial of those you love. those you care about. and those that care about you. it is easier to simply shut down than to continue functioning along with the pain. my father asked me this week how it is anyone could consider suicide as a way out. because its easy. it doesnt hurt. when you live with a pain so unbearable you are willing to scream, fight, or cry at the drop of a the idea of stopping the pain consumes you. you turn to alcohol, you turn to drugs, you turn to sex. eventually you find yourself back at the source of the pain. you confront it. you tell it it hurt you. you tell it you hate it. you tell it you wish it would just go away. you try to release yourself from it. but you discover something. you love the pain. not just love like you love that feeling when you just wake up and the air is cold but your bed is warm, or the way straight guys say they love eachother and embrace in an irony filled display of male bonding. no. you are actually in love with the pain. is it any surprise? it shouldnt be. its been there every day since you met it. every waking moment its there with you. it goes with you everywhere. it eats with you, it showers with you, it sings with you, it rides shotgun on your way to a place you most likely hate to be. it goes home with you, it kisses you, it undresses you, it sleeps with you, and it wakes up next to you. how could you not fall in love with it. its part of your life. its the biggest part of your life. you live with this for months, and you ask yourself, how could something i love hurt me so much. and you realize, you asked yourself the same question the first time you felt it. youve come full circle. you realize you have wasted however much of your life it took to complete this circle. whatever you accomplished in between is irrelevent. you may have pushed through the pain, gone on with your life, and pretended to be happy, somehow winding up being relatively successful. or you may have chosen to crash and burn ruining your life, hoping youll never have to return again to that first moment it hit you. you get back there. back to that spot. right back to that emphatic "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!" and you realize youve learned nothing. youve gained nothing and lost everything. you thought the time you spent would lead you to a some sort of conclusion. you thought you would find resolution. you thought you would move on. instead youre right back at the beginning wishing it never happened in the first place. youre left wondering how its even possible. you realize that were you in a position to inflict this much pain on someone you would never dream of it. it makes you sick to your stomach. but somehow it was done to you. somehow something you loved manage to ruin you. managed to find a way to cut you open and pour salt in your wounds every day of your life. and yet the pain gives no reason. no justification. there is none. just an appology. but if there is no reason how can it be done? there is no answer. only regret. in the end you are left bitter and confused. you love the pain. and the pain loves you. you realize the pain is never going away. sometimes you feel love, sometimes you feel hate. there is no inbetween. all you can do is wonder...is the love worth the hate? i am confused.